My thoughts…on stuff

This day 15 years ago, the Internet was born. To be more precise, this was the day it was put into the public domain, ensuring that a single system would be used for accessing the Web. Seems far away for me. Then again I’m only 22, but for the adults, it probably seems like yesterday. (You feel old now, don’t you?) A world without the Internet seems unimaginable nowadays. I can barely survive a week without it.

Thanks to the efforts of Tim Berners-Lee (and no, Al Gore did not invent the Internet you ass) and CERN, we are now able to our waste time on social networking sites, view as much porn as our perverted little hearts desire, watch videos of people making complete asses of themselves, and receive countless chain mails and notifications from Nigerian princes (who knew they had so many?) and barristers who want our help to transfer their assets. Are we sure this thing has made the world a better place?

Anyway, it has made millions for a fortunate few, ruined the lives of many, and given some, such as myself, a global voice. We raise our glasses to you Internet. Can’t live with you, can’t check out the latest sex tape without you. Many ask why Berners-Lee didn’t claim intellectual property rights to the Internet. They claim it would’ve made him a billionaire, even wealthier than Bill Gates. Well retards, if he did that, it wouldn’t have grown at the astronomical rate it did, and the present Internet would probably be as large as it was 9 years ago, and it certainly wouldn’t have such diverse users or information. Can you imagine having to pay extra for access to the Internet?

But Mr. Lee has been awarded many accolades, or should I say Sir Lee, as he has been knighted as well. But there are people trying something similar to taxing the Net, by trying split the Internet into tiers and charging people for access to them. That’s why the call for net neutrality has gotten louder over the years. Berners-Lee is in support of if, as well as Google and surprisingly the tyrannical Micro$oft. And there’s more to come, as access to the Internet becomes cheaper and new technologies are integrated, it will continue to evolve. Oh, and here’s a little fun fact. The world’s first website was http://info.cern.ch/. A surprisingly simple website, and it’s still up and running!

Hey everybody. Today I’m gonna do a review of EventsIn876.com, run by fellow blogger, former classmate and friend Taylor. EventsIn876 is also part of the In876Network that sponsors my blog. So you all do this guy a solid and at least check out the site. The site is a platform to advertise various Jamaican events. Pretty much any social event can be displayed there. The thing I like most of all about this site is the calendar of events. It’s very easy on the eyes and the information is organized very neatly. It’s like a Mozilla Sunbird online. It also has some slick functionality. Just go there and fiddle around with the content. You’ll see what I mean.

I must admit that I rarely navigate beyond this page, as this gives me all the info that I need. But there’s more, like a community, chat, etc., for those who wish to get more out of the site. I can tell that a lot of work went into this site, so my fellow Jamaicans, go and support! I know that Jamaicans visit this site apart from my friends and old classmates, because I’ve been getting hits from searches like “Jamaican porn”, “Jamaican school sex tape”, “bluetooth express” and…you know what? I’d better stop before I attract even more Google perverts. Then again, these could be coming from some lonely middle aged white men. 

P.S. Good news. I’ve been made District Bulletin Editor for my Circle K District. Bad news I have to be away for the weekend to train. See you Sunday!

Not too long ago, I posted on an Internet meme, Pirates vs. Ninjas. But there exists a more insidious meme. One that lurks in the darkest corners of the Internet. The Rick Roll. I can remember my first time. No not that first time. Get your minds out of the gutter! I mean the first time I was Rick Rolled. I was on Fark.com reading the forums. Someone posted a link to a pic, a viral video, or whatever. All I knew is that it was worth the click.

Next thing I know my browser was hijacked by the musical stylings of Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up.” Wanna get Rick Rolled? Here, go nuts. There have even been variations of the Rick Roll, such as the Fresh Prince Roll, the Duck Roll, the Reich Roll, among others. Those who are pretty well acquainted with the Net either suffered this prank or heard of it. The first time it was awesome, the second time it was alright, the other times it was overdone, to me at least. This prank has gained a lot of prominence recently, as Scientology protests have been Rick Rolled. It has also gained media coverage, and Rick himself has interviewed about the Rick Roll. Turns out he supports it. Awesome.

But this meme has been done to death. Almost every YouTube link in a forum is a Rick Roll. A prank isn’t too effective if everyone knows about it. I plead to my Internet brethren, stop overusing the prank. Stop sapping the little coolness that remains in it. ‘Cause we all know that when everyone picks up something, it automatically loses its appeal. But the most epic Rick Roll ever and the one I love the most was when that dude Rick Rolled a women’s basketball game that the New York Times covered. Classic.

I stumbled across a nifty (yes, I said “nifty”) little site called The Gematriculator some time ago. Being desperate for a blog post, I decided to post my findings. You see, it’s supposed to tell you whether your site is good or evil using the “infallible” methods of Gematria, meaning searching for various patterns throughout the text. Each letter is assigned a different number, and if these patterns are divisible by 7, which is God’s number, then apparently the text has God’s spirit dwelling within it. So I entered this blog’s URL to see whether my writings were divinely inspired or if they had the Devil’s influence subliminally encoded within them. Here are the results:

Hmm. Pretty much 50/50. Wow. Guess I’m darker than I thought. Then the text below greeted me by saying, “Wasn’t that fun? Now waste your time by killing everyone!” Well, I do think about killing people a few times per week. Oh God, I’m gonna burn in Hell aren’t I?

Tired of the same old search? Sick of entering a search term only to be greeted with a bland, white screen? Well say hello to Ms. Dewey. She’s the best thing to happen to search since video search, and a helluva lot sexier than that Jeeves. MsDewey.com is an interactive Flash-based search engine. Enter a search term, and she makes a sassy comment on it. She’s surprisingly intelligent (a rare combination for such a knockout), and you’d be hard pressed to find a search term that stumps her. I’m gonna ask a question that I never thought I’d ask. Is it wrong to fall for a search engine? Think about it. Aside from being hot, she’s smart, full of personality, makes me feel like I’m the center of her world, and my fingers make her respond in surprising ways. How many flesh and blood girls are like that? Yeah, I know. I’m pathetic, but you have to admit, I do raise a valid point. Use her for about half hour and you’ll see what I mean. Oddly enough, when I searched for “Darth Vader,” she said, “Nothing gets me in the mood faster than that man’s voice.”

And here’s the funny thing, she was created by Microsoft! My God! Just when I thought there wasn’t an innovative bone left in those geeks over in Redmond! But strangely, they aren’t marketing it in the typical aggressively Micro$oft fashion. They’re hoping viral marketing will give their Live Search a boost (it currently controls a measly 9% of the market). I think Ms. Dewey is just what the doctor ordered. The only drawbacks are that the site loads slowly, and doesn’t give comprehensive results. Plus she gets a little needy if you don’t type for a while. Still, she does keep me company those long nights when I have assignments working on. Janina Gavankar of “The L Word” plays the Ms. Dewey character, just in case you were wondering (and I know you were). Yet another entry to your list of “girls I don’t have a snowball’s chance in Hell with.” Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to work on my James Earl Jones impression.

If you frequent YouTube on a daily basis, chances are you know of Chris Crocker. “Chris who?” you may ask. He’s the “star” of that ridiculous “LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!” video. When I first saw it, I couldn’t stop laughing, especially when he said “anyone how has a problem with her, you deal with me.” Yeah, ’cause you’re so intimidating. Whatchya gonna do? Throw glitter at me? I pretty much ignored it after that. But when I learned of how popular it became (viewed nearly 8 million times), I realized that it was more than just another YouTube funnie. But what really got me steamed was the fact that he was offered his own TV show!

Yes. Chris Crocker, the little queer Southern drama queen gets a TV show because his stupid two-minute rant racked up tons of views (a lot of which aren’t genuine because he uses page refreshers), while there are people out there with terrific ideas being shunted. What were they thinking? A gay kid surviving in the Bible belt. It’s a regular fish out of water story. This new show will be simply faaabulouuus! I can already smell the ratings. Who says TV is running out of ideas? But that’s not all. This video made me officially hate the guy. In it, Crocker says he can’t think about 9/11 because of what Britney’s going through. WTF? Years ago, hundreds of people died in a vicious attack on your home soil and you’re worried about some whackjob celebrity?

Plus I didn’t mention how disturbingly gay he is. Not to be homophobic or anything, but he’s girlier than most girls. And I don’t care how open-minded you say you are, a guy wearing eyeliner is just weird. Thank God for Seth Green’s parody and others like it, which emphasized just how stupid this whole thing is. I know Chris’ TV show is gonna tank, because people watched the video because they wanted a quick laugh. Nothing more. Internet celebrities are a flash in the pan, most of which never attain true celebrity. Has “The Star Wars Kid” gotten a movie deal? Does “Leeroy Jenkins” have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. No. So Chris Crocker, enjoy your celebrity while you can, and I for one can’t wait for the day when you simply disappear. I don’t like you, and the sooner I can forget about you, the better.

You’ve heard of mail order brides right? If you ever considered purchasing one? If you’re a lonely man in your late 20s or early 30s whose had average success with women (and that’s being generous), chances are you have. But why buy one from Russia, Lithuania, or some other eastern European country, one that probably can’t even speak English?

And let’s say you do take that risk. You might find out that your innocent, servile wife actually has a record, and killed her former husbands for their money. Next thing you know, one night during lovemaking, you’re the one that ends up getting penetrated…with a knife! Why take the chance, when you can get willing young women from the west?

You can at MarryOurDaughter.com. It features young women, (and I do mean young. Some as young as 14), for sale for as high as $50,000. But think of what you’re getting! Beautiful young women, with their hymens probably intact! You’ve gotta admit, that’s a rarity nowadays. Plus their naivety’s gotta be worth something! Ok, before you guys whip out your credit cards, there’s something I have to tell you first.

It’s not real.

Yup, the site is a hoax. Man, I wish April Fool’s was today. But don’t feel bad. Many others were duped. 20 million page views worth. John Ordover, creator of the site, said that it was a parody meant to draw attention to inconsistencies in state marriage laws. It’s a crime for adults to have sex with minors, but children as young as 12 are allowed to get married with parental and sometimes judicial permission. So it was one big practical joke. Kinda disappointed though. I had my eye on Gabriella M.

Occasionally, I get requests in my inbox from people who want me to plug their sites. For free I might add. I’ve never responded to any of them. Free publicity? In today’s world of paid blogging? I don’t think so. But I will gladly plug sites that I think are awesome. MoanMyIP.com is one such site.

I don’t know if this link is worksafe, because this site features a girl…well, moaning your IP address, ever so seductively, ever so convincingly, that you’ll find it hard it to convince your co-workers that you weren’t watching porn. If you don’t get a kick out of the moaning or the busty, golden haired, Amazonian lass on the header, then start hanging out at the local gay bar, because you’re officially homosexual. Thanks to this site, I now know my IP by heart. What? It’s very important in ensuring online privacy. So I’ve been told.

Before I start, I guess I should explain my absence. My monitor was giving some colour trouble, and I had to send it to the shop for a full 7 days (not counting Saturday and Sunday). Now it’s back, and showing better than ever. For the past few days I’ve been watching CNBC and I’ve been hearing all about the net worth of social networking sites like MySpace, LinkedIn, Facebook and so on, and the debates as to which will become the next Google, if any. Why are these sites so hot? My guess is because these sites feed people’s egos. And how can we talk about social networking sites without talking about MySpace, where unpopular kids and narcissistic brats can both play high school popularity contest online, posting their best ever photos on their profiles just to get comments from horny strangers of the opposite sex, or see who can get the most “friends.” I mean how can someone have over 1,000 friends?

Oh and let’s not forget the movies, bands and events that have profiles, exploiting MySpace’s audience of teens, the only demographic with 100% disposable income, a marketer’s wet dream. And all of these social networking sites have profiles that look like the land that HTML forgot. We’re advanciong towards XHTML, but these profiles feature those damn glittery GIFs and colour combinations that would make your eyes bleed. I have a MySpace profile which I am totally inactive on. How inactive? I just signed on, then decided a couple minutes later that it was a complete waste of time. I have no friends, save the omnipresent Tom, no doubt there to prevent you from realizing the harsh reality that no one really does love you. Yet still I’ve gotten two friend requests! What the hell? To date I haven’t responded. I don’t have time to waste by adding to someone’s friend count. One of their profiles was deleted. Why? I shudder to think.

That’s why Hi5 and Facebook are more my style. Clean interface, more grownups and less sex offenders, though Hi5 has made some changes in order to keep up with MySpace. Personally, I use social networking sites to link to…wait for it … ACTUAL FRIENDS. Sure, I may not have a rockstar’s amount of friends. In fact I have barely have over 100 friends, but that’s OK with me. Less crap in my inbox. So is social networking the revolution it was envisioned to be? Nope. In fact I don’t know how sitting alone at your computer checking your profile every half hour for comments helps your social skills, but it sure is profitable. I guess if I want to become a millionaire, I need to create a site where countless people can waste their time, interact with others, feeling as if they’re adding something to their lives. Funny. My blog hasn’t made me a cent to this day.

Madbull tagged Abeni, whose tag I took on. Sorry Bobby. You were too late. So without further ado, here are 8 things random things you probably don’t know about me.

1. I invent board games in my spare time.
2. I can’t tolerate stupid people.
3. I am drawn to The Dark Side.
4. I never saw all of Jaws.
5. I can tell you the square of every number from 1 to 40 out of my head.
6. I once laughed so hard soda came out of my nose…then almost drowned on said soda.
7. Bodily harm is one of the few things that makes me laugh.
8. Sorrel made me tipsy once.

C’mon! Take on the challenge (if you’re brave enough!)