My thoughts…on stuff

Before I begin, just wanna explain my absence. I had a big test today for a much feared subject, so I really needed to study. Plus I had to type up a project for Mum.

We all know about the war in Iraq, but there’s been another war that’s been waged for much longer. (Hard to believe ain’t it?) A battle almost as epic as Good vs. Evil, Jedi vs. Sith and Mick Jagger vs. Death. Pirates vs. Ninjas. It’s said that Vikings wanna get in on the action, but they don’t count in my opinion. Viking is really a subcategory of pirate. And three’s a crowd anyway. It has been going on centuries, and has been waged both in the shadows and beyond the realms of civilized society. So much so that it has become a myth, and has been trivialized as an “Internet meme.” But for those of us who know better, the question still remains, who would win?

It may be all the Naruto I’ve been watching, but I say ninjas, and nothing can convince me otherwise, not even Keira Knightley. Here’s why I think ninjas are superior:

Stealth: In battle, the element of surprise is crucial. And who has the element of surprise more than a ninja? In fact, a ninja’s entire purpose is tied to the art of stealth, whether it be espionage, sabotage or assassination. A pirate is about as as subtle as a 9 on the Richter scale.

Intelligence: Let’s face it, ninjas are just plain smarter. They’re very clever and take a tactical approach to completing their missions. You’d have to be to escape the enemy, especially when the enemy were usually samurai. Pirates are drunk half the time.

Martial Arts: Need I say any more? Unless he has brute strength, a pirate isn’t of much use without a weapon. I’ve never met a pirate that can paralyze you with a finger. But a ninja can, and finish you off so fast that you’ll see the Pearly Gates before you can even retaliate.

Weaponry: From smoke bombs to shuriken, Ninjas had a lot more creative weaponry than pirates. Most diversionary than lethal, but an impressive arsenal nonetheless.

Depth Perception: Sure an eye patch makes you look a little badass, but no depth perception will make things a bit tougher in battle. And unlike pirates, ninjas have a spare just in case they lose an eye.

Better Health and Hygiene: Ninjas are much healthier than pirates. Never heard of a ninja being taken out by scurvy. Plus they smell better. Pirates went weeks without bathing. Ewww.

No hindrances/annoyances: Pirates have peglegs and hooks. All a ninja has to do is to release a colony of termites onto a pirate ship and they’re done for! As for the hooks, the sea water would take care of them. A ninja would rather commit seppuku than walk around with furniture parts for limbs. And no damn annoying parrot.

Origin: Ninjas come from Japan, the home of anime, sushi, katanas, origami, wicked cool games and other cool crap, that automatically makes them cool. (I’m an Otaku, so you have to see with me.)

I know I’ve already stated my bias, but I have to at least appear objective. Here are the few things I rate about pirates:

Style: Pirates had loads. While ninjas wore black or dark clothing, pirates weren’t afraid to show off the fancy threads and bling acquired from their ill-gotten gains.

Strength in numbers: A pirate rarely if ever travels alone, so he always has backup. I don’t care how good a ninja is, chances are he couldn’t take out an entire pirate crew. So if a ninja takes out a pirate, he’d better be a fast mofo or his buddies will send him to Davy Jones Locker.

Talk Like A Pirate Day: Sad to say, ninjas do not have their own special day. Someone needs to look into that. I suggest that my ninja brethren take September 19 from the pirates if the battle is ever won.

Alcohol: Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum indeed. Pirates did more damage to their livers than the average frat boy.

Women: Think booty only meant treasure? Pirates had many wenches from many exotic locales, and could set sail if any complications arose. No child support here! Don’t see how they could be attracted to these smelly bastards. Must’ve been the money. Guess some things never change.

Money: Loot, loot, bounteous loot! Sacks and chests full of gold were a pirate’s sole motivation. Honour? Discipline? Ha! Screw the rules, we have money!

Accent: A pirate’s accent is kinda cool. Kinda as in if you try it in public, you’ll look like a complete moron. “Aye, matey!” “Avast, me hearties!” “Ye’ll walk the plank, ye scurvy bilge rat!” A ninja’s…well, they are supposed to be silent killers.

Freedom: Ninjas never had as much fun as pirates. Getting drunk with your buds on the open sea, having casual sex with hot chicks on shore leave, plundering and doing whatever the hell else you want! It’s like a guys’ night out gone terribly wrong (or terribly right depending on how you look at it).

That final point almost puts pirates over the top, but ninjas are, have and will always be more awesome than ninjas. So…what do you think?