My thoughts…on stuff

The Transformers movie left theatres a while back, but I’ve been trying to book an interview with its star, the leader of the Autobots, Optimus Prime, for months before its release. I got through, but I had to wait sometime because I’m a *cough* nobody. I finally got my interview last week. Here’s how it went.

I walk onto the Paramount lot, asking for Optimus. A guy points me to his “trailer,” which I find quite odd, as Optimus is a trailer himself. I walk to an airplane hangar, where I see a trailer, which quickly transforms.

Optimus: Where’s the damn oil? I sent you…oh. Who are you?

I’m instantly awed by the size and the magnificence of my childhood idol, and the coolest giant robot ever. (Screw you Gundams.) I’m so starstruck I can’t even speak.

Optimus: Another groupie huh? It never ends. (Returns to trailer mode.)

Leon: No, wait! I’m the blogger that’s supposed to interview you!

Optimus: Oh. The Yardie with the blog. (Returns to Autobot mode.) Well, if it weren’t for all the buzz generated by you nerds in message boards, YouTube, and of course, blogs, Transformers wouldn’t be such a smash. So here’s my way of giving back. Hurry up though.
(Ok. I’ll be insulted later.)

Leon: Ok Mr. Prime…

Optimus: Please! Call me “the O.”
(Guess a giant robot’s gotta have a giant ego.)

Leon: Yes, “the O,” how did it feel like being on the big screen?

Optimus: Oh it felt great! The other Transformers and I were really glad that we finally got the recognition we deserved, that we got a chance to reconnect with our fans and make new ones. If we knew our death threat would work so well on Michael Bay, we’d have done it years ago.

Leon: What?!

Optimus: (Scrap that or I’m coming for you too.)

Leon: Riiight. How was life after the original Transformers TV show?

Optimus: Man it was awful. Back in the 70s and 80s, we were THE giant robots. Every auto part company on the planet wanted to sponsor us. Every toy company wanted a piece of the gold mine that was our action figures. You have no idea how many sports cars we slept with, the nights we spent sniffing NOS off the hoods of Aston Martins and Ferraris. And of course there was my greatly publicized relationship with Halle Bentley. Man, that was quite a woman. Every man and his dog knew who we were. We were far more famous than any of these “celebutantes” the media keeps wasting time on. A million dollars was like small change to us. But after the original show ended, things were never the same. We lost everything. The fame, the fortune, and the women. Oh, the women! Some of the guys lost their women to Gundams. Those damn upstart Gundams. And I…lost Halle to Voltron! (Weeps openly.)

Leon: It’s ok Optimus.

Optimus: As I was saying, we had to perform various odd jobs to survive. I hauled goods of course, Jazz became a taxi. Not a very good one, as being the “black” Autobot, he kept getting pulled over. Starscream and Megatron joined the army. They’re being tried by court-martial, as some of their fellow officers were killed by “friendly fire.” And Bumblebee, was “giving rides around town,” if you know what I mean. It was painful. I mean you’re on top of the world, the next minute, you’re nothin.’ Fame’s a cruel mistress kid.

Leon: You’ve told me of your descent. Now, about your return to fame.

Optimus: Well, we got called back for Beast Wars in the late 90s, and the whole Armada and Energon business later on, but just it wasn’t the same.

Leon: And what about that Brokebot Mountain business? I understand KITT was your love interest.

Optimus: It’s not something I’m proud of, but I just wanted to get a taste of the limelight again. Oh, and did you hear about me running for Governor of California? I was going to make eradicating the Decepticons my platform, but I got beat by some porn star with big boobs.

Leon: Juggs are a powerful force to contend with. How was it working with the Deceptions after all these years? Did your relationship change?

Optimus: No, though Megatron was pissed that he was being turned into an “alien spaceship.” They probably did that to prevent loss of life during one of his hissyfits.

Leon: Megatron? A prima donna?

Optimus: Yeah. He’s just as obnoxious in real life as he is on the big screen. Both of us were vying for top billing, as the original title was to be “Optimus vs. Megatron,” to shift the focus to us. But after several contract re-negotiations, and major set damage, they stuck with the tried and true.

Leon: How was it like working with actual human beings?

Optimus: Besides watching where you step, alright. But I think they were confused as to who the real stars were. (Exhales deeply.) And to think, me, a Cybertronian immigrant, who crashlanded to Earth with nothing, achieved this!

Leon: Any spoilers for Transformers 2?

Optimus: That’s all you’ll get outta me kid. Unless you suddenly change your name to Ryan Seacrest and shrink two inches, I’m not saying anything else to you. Now if you’ll excuse me, Eva Maseratti is waiting in my trailer.