My thoughts…on stuff

As we all know, (especially the women), the Miss Universe 2007 pageant took place Sunday night. I tell you, normally in Jamaica everyone would be buzzing with excitement over the pageant. Nowadays, it seems as if people couldn’t care less. I guess it seems as if the euphoria for Lisa Hanna’s win has finally died down. I myself have stopped my habit of watching beauty pageants such as these, as well as Victoria’s Secret’s fashion shows. Why you may ask? Why would you deprive yourself of the indescribable pleasure of gazing at some of the most beautiful women on Earth? Because I won’t be able to get any of them, that’s why, and with that fact in mind, watching them is like torture. And don’t say, “Leon, yes you can. All you need to do is try hard enough.” Please. You’ll need to make seven figures a year just to get a shot at their numbers, worse they’ve gotten nominated to this level.

Anyway, enough about my unrealized fantasies. I didn’t catch much of it to be honest. My dad was channel surfing and saw the competition. I think we caught the semi-finals. We were eagerly searching for Miss Jamaica, but she was nowhere to be found. During the selection process, Miss Brazil was chosen, and dad said, “Why do they always choose those coolie girls?” You’ll have to forgive my father. He isn’t the most politically correct man. But he does have a point. Most Miss Universe winners tend to have the same look. Long, flowing hair, slender physiques, straight noses, legs for miles and other European features. Against such expectations, I wonder if Misses Jamaica and Tanzania really stood a chance or were destined to fail from the start, being no more than passing quirks.

This pageant was more eventful than most (I heard), as Miss USA slipped and fell and was jeered by the Mexicans, (couldn’t they have left the immigration debate out of it?) Miss Sweden declined on the grounds that it “debases women.” Most feminists aren’t hot, so she probably wouldn’t have won anyway. And Miss Mexico had some brutal images of some longtime religious uprising. Surprisingly, they were found to be in bad taste. Congrats to Miss Japan, 20-year old Riyo Mori. As a child, her grandma wanted her to win the crown before she turned 20. Glad to see both their dreams realized. Gives you a little motivation to pursue your own. Hope you represent your country and the title well.

Just when you thought they couldn’t get any more “wukliss.” The West Indies were crushed by the English, losing by a whopping 283 runs, the heaviest loss since 50 years ago. Dear God! How much must we as West Indians take? Really? After their clearly subpar performance at the Cricket World Cup, this happens? Sometimes I wonder if we should just drop cricket like we’re dropping the sugar industry. Both are vestiges of colonialism. But I dare not say this aloud, as I don’t want to be endure a whole heap o’ cussin’, ’cause, unlike the sugar industry, cricket swims in our very blood.

In their defense, England made an impressive 570 runs. But I didn’t expect this, especially after all the talk about revamping the team. And promising young stars like Jerome Taylor and Devon Smith seem to have caught the complacency of the seniors, as they performed pitifully. I don’t understand how they can afford to be, as last time I checked, you’re normally complacent when you’re dominant. In the meantime, George Headley and other cricketing greats roll in their graves.

On this day, 30 years ago, we were transported to a galaxy far, far away. A galaxy that featured futuristic technology, colourful aliens, great heroism, and great villainy. And the world was never the same. Yes siree, Star Wars, the greatest science fiction saga of all time (sorry Star Trek) turns 30 today. Star Trek turned 40 last year, so all the greats are celebrating their anniversaries. Imagine, 30 years. 30 years of Star Wars catchphrases, 30 years of Star wars inspired technology, 30 years of stolen social lives, 30 years of rivalry with Star Trek, 30 years of George Lucas getting rich off us all. I am a major Star Wars nerd. Say, a Star Trek fan is called a Trekkie, so what is a Star Wars fan called?

I’ve remained faithful to the series, despite the introduction of Jar Jar Stinks, despite the merciless commercialization, despite the numerous plot holes, something George should’ve seen coming. That’s what happens when you expand such a complex plot. Star Wars at 30 is coming on G4 tonight, so you know I’m gonna watch. I know, I know, I said they sucked and that I’d stop watching it. But I must admit, it isn’t completely unwatchable. Plus, even if it were coming on C-SPAN I’d watch it. I’m especially interested in seeing “The Future of Star Wars.” Since the episodes are finished, I’m interested in seeing what Georgie’s got up his sleeve. After all these years, the question still remains, which is better, Star Trek or Star Wars? That seems to be a question that will outlive the sagas themselves. Live long and prosper Star Wars. Oops. Sorry. May the Force be with you.

Today I read one of the most unbelievable articles ever. It had the headline “We only date ugly men.” Here’s the article if you don’t believe me. It talks about women who find muscular good-looking men unattractive. The first thing I thought is, “are these women insane?” You mean to tell me if Brad or Denzel offered themselves to them, they’d turn them down? But actually their reason for loving the not-so-fair fellows makes a lot of sense. Ugly guys, according to them, they harder, are more interesting, perform better in bed and are more intriguing, among other things.

And these girls are not desperate or ugly either. These girls are the type that you’d drop your girlfriend for in a minute. Hot, bright eyed blondes with cute smiles. But on some level, I must applaud these women. They are not shallow like most. They are actually able to see beyond to exterior of their potential suitors. I feel a bit betrayed. All the money spent on products to maintain my sexy or improve it, and it turns out that women want the opposite now? The mystery called woman has gotten a lot harder to figure out, gentlemen. Now excuse me. I’ve got to go knock out some teeth and shave my head.

We all love the GEICO ads. They’re funny, original and catchy. And though that loveable gecko with the cockney accent is their mascot, but nowadays GEICO’s stars are those poor stereotyped cavemen. The commercials have gained international appeal, and the actors that play them have become celebrities. They’ve gotten the usual celebrity treatment: being hit on by strange but beautiful women, fansites, global recognition, being starspotted, etc. Now ABC has taken the next logical step to the major success of these ads, and has made…a sitcom? What were they thinking? ABC has made a sitcom based on the GEICO commercials. Yeah, I couldn’t believe it too.

A couple things wrong with this show. Firstly, these “cavemen” aren’t really cavemen at all. They’re just regular people who haven’t physically evolved. Takes a lot of the fun out of it doesn’t it? And if that isn’t bad enough, their names are Joel, Jamie and Nick. Not very caveman-y names at all, are they? This series is supposed to be a statement on race relations. Too serious. This series takes all the fun out of the commercials in an attempt to make it plausible, and if more viewers look forward to commercials than your show, then something is terribly wrong. This shouldn’t last more than a month. All I say is, “not cool.”

Are you a loser? Can’t remember the last time you accomplished anything you desired? Is your life a pit of desperation and frustration? Then you probably have this book on your bookshelf. I’ve heard about ‘The Secret’ for some time now. The first time I heard about it was on the Sunday news. Naturally the title got me interested, but all the news article said that the book carried that message that positive thinking gets you results. Cool. I’m all for that. An age old message that I’ve known for years, but if someone wants to make a couple bucks selling common sense to Americans, then let them go ahead. God knows they need it. It’s not until I read an online article about ‘The Secret’ that I found out everything about the book.

What the book really says is that you can manipulate reality with your mind, so if you see a fancy car you want, boom, the law of the universe grants it to you. just like that. No investing, no job hunting, nothing but the power of your mind. And as preposterous as that may sound to us rational minded people, millions have been buying in on it. 1.5 million DVDs of the movie have been sold and 1.75 million are in print. It even got endorsed by Oprah - twice. And when that happens, you immediately have a millions of middle aged housewives behind your book. All of this bunkus comes from author Rhonda Byrne, who should be rolling in it right now. Her movie, which she dubbed “the greatest film in history to date,” didn’t do so well in her homeland of Australia.

Enter America, where finding desperate and unhappy people is easier than finding the nearest Starbucks. But what separates this book from countless other self-help books? It’s “Da Vinci Code” design and its title. It promises to reveal some mystical and ancient secret, one that greats like Martin Luther King, Einstein, Beethoven and Newton knew about. But it only panders to middle class material desires, and little on benefiting humanity, as these great men did. But I guess it wouldn’t be such a success if it didn’t push an easy way to get that diamond necklace around your neck or that Lexus in your garage.

Personally, I think this is crap. New Age, pseudospiritual crap. This fodder for the weak-minded only repackages a well-known fact about the power of positive thinking, and this Law of Attraction junk is just something else for people to blame their pathetic little lives on. It’s not bad luck, other people or even God why your life is the way it is. It’s you. You’re the reason you’re life sucks. And until you get off your fat ass and do something about it, it will continue to be so. Well, I’m gonna jump off a building now. The Law of Attraction states that as long as I think “marshmallow filled bounce-a-bout,” I should be ok. Right?

Mother’s Day. The one time of year when mothers get to be appreciated, the one time of year when we stop being such selfish jerks long enough to do so. I was away on the weekend, so I didn’t get to give my mom the thanks she truly deserves. All she got from me was a phonecall and a pair of empty hands. Plus I didn’t get to go with the family to visit Grandma. Still my mom’s cool with it. She isn’t too material, unlike these golddigging broads nowadays. And as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to appreciate more and more what she’s done for me. Her kindness, her sacrifice, her morals and her forgiveness.

Oh her forgiveness. I can remember at least half a dozen times when my smart ass attitude should’ve earned me a smack ‘cross the face. But mom would somehow tolerate my behaviour, even though I wouldn’t, if in her position. I can remember times when she’d spend her last cent on me, without hesitation, if I truly needed it. In fact, the very trip I told you about wouldn’t be possible if she didn’t withdraw some money from the ATM to send me. She raised me by example, never compromising what she stood for, even if it caused an undesirable result. She’s a truly sweet woman. I’ve never known her to have an enemy. As I’ve learned to appreciate her, I’ve gotten closer to her. Now she feels like (dare I say it?) a friend. When I was little and I was punished, I would imagine what it would be like if I had a different mother. Now I can’t imagine having another. Thank you mom, and all others like you.

Summer. You used to be able to tell that time of year by the intolerable heat and the sudden desire to go to the beach. Not anymore. Nowadays, the best indicator of summer’s arrival is the massive influx of big budget movies, and this summer is proving to be one of the biggest ever, with over two dozen movies to be released, most of them sequels. it used to be that the major blockbusters were released near year’s, such as was the case with King Kong and Narnia. But the recent trend has been to release them in the summer. All these movies have the potential to be monster hits, as most of them are follow-ups to proven favourites. The harbinger of this box office blitz is Spiderman 3, which opened 12 days ago and has already amassed $632 million worldwide. Not surprising, as it is the most anticipated movie for the summer, according to Yahoo! Here’s their list for the top 20 anticipated movies of the summer.

1. Spiderman 3
2. Transformers
3. Shrek the Third
4. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
5. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
6. The Bourne Ultimatum
7. 28 Weeks Later
8. Rush Hour 3
9. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
10. DOA: Dead or Alive
11. Hairspray
12. Nancy Drew
13. The Simpsons Movie
14. Evan Almighty
15. Ocean’s Thirteen
16. Live Free or Die Hard
17. Underdog
18. Hostel: Part II
19. Ratatouille
20. Knocked Up

Here are my thoughts on these 20 (the ones I care about anyway). Spiderman 3 is a must see. I plan to post about it during the summer. Transformers. Hell yeah! Besides, the battle between the Autobots and the Decepticons was too big for the small screen anyway. Shrek the Third should be a laugh fest as always. But the whole twisted fairy tale thing is getting kinda old. Happily Never After ruined it for me. Looking forward to Pirates 3, though as far as I’m concerned, Keira Knightley’s booty is the only one worth plundering. Order of the Phoenix will change the Harry Potter universe as we know it. How do it know this? Bootleg copy? Yes, but an analog version - called a book. You might wanna try one. The Bourne series is good, but it never quite grabbed me. Ultimatum should be a decent movie and a box office success. Never saw 28 Days Later, so I’m not too interested in the sequel. But the hype makes me wanna see the original. Plus summer is the time for romantic flings, and nothing gets a girl in your lap faster (besides money) than watching a scary movie.

Rush Hour 3. Hmm. Wondered what happened to those two? Fantastic Four 2. Besides Jessica Alba in spandex, the second biggest draw of this movie will be the Silver Surfer, who loooks unbeliveably cool. Wonder if Galactus will make an appearance? DOA won’t be as big a hit with the fanboys as movie execs would expect, as the movie features real girls, and we all know that fanboys are afraid of real girls. The Simpsons Movie would’ve been more welcome five or so years ago. But the series is feeling stale nowadays. Now if it were a Family Guy movie… Evan Almighty? Does that jerk from Bruce Almighty get God’s powers? And does God go on vacation again? Maybe it’s not that God doesn’t exist, maybe he’s just lazy. Ocean’s Thirteen. A star-studded revenge movie. Nice! Live Free or Die Hard. More of Detective McLain simultaneously punching terrorists and the Grim Reaper in their balls.

Ratatouille. For a Pixar movie, this one is woefully underadvertised. But that’s ok. Pixar could make an autobiography about their table lamp mascot and still rake in hundreds of millions, despite the fact that their last movie Cars, performed below expectations. But don’t worry. Despite the immense competition this summer and the hard to pronounce title, that will hinder spoiled brats from continously nagging their parents about watching it without biting their tongues, as long as Pixar creates cute, colourful and silly characters, the money well will never dry. Right? And on that subject of competition, why are so many movies being released this summer? This is the biggest summer release as far as I remember. Won’t the stiff competition mean less returns, especially with juggernauts like Spidey 3 and Transformers about? But let the movie studios worry about that. I can barely find money to buy popcorn and drinks to watch one of these movies, much less the ticket itself.

Infamous party girl Paris Hilton has played a farmer and maid on “The Simple Life.” But now she’s gonna play an even less glamorous role - prison inmate, as she has been sentenced to time in jail for violation of her probation. HALLELUJAH! This is the best story I’ve heard in a long time. Finally she will suffer the consequences of her actions. And if the way her mother acted in the courtroom is any indication, maybe for the first time in her life. Her mother Kathy laughed during the proceedings and asked the judge for his autograph when he made his ruling. She and her other half are the reason Paris is spoiled rotten like this. I bet when she was little and she kicked a kid and the kid told the teacher, who then gave her detention, her parents sued the school for Paris’ emotional distress.

And don’t think that she’ll be going to any five-star prison like the Hilton *rimshot*. She’ll be going to regular prison, where she’ll wear an orange jumpsuit, eat food barely fit for human consumption, and stay in an 8-by-12 foot cell, without any of her designer luxuries. Hopefully this will teach her some humility. But will she respect the decision of the court and do her time? Nope. Like any spoiled brat, she’ll try to find some means to get her own way. She’s started a petition and is turning to the Governator for a pardon. Figures.

Literary guru, Geoffrey Philip recently tagged me about my great imperative, and, since I love participating in the occasional meme, I accepted his challenge. For those with not-so wide vocabularies, imperative means law or rule (generally). I’d have to say that my great imperative is to succeed, according to my terms. Happiness eludes most of us, so we spend our lives desperately chasing after it. Few find it. For me, success equals happiness. Aside from the accolades and the ego boost, it gives you a sense of accomplishment and purpose, like you’re actually doing something worthwhile with your life. We all have dreams. Most of them are shattered by harsh reality.

Who knows? Mine may end up broken as well, but I’ll put in a hell of a fight to keep them alive, because a man that doesn’t dream doesn’t truly live. And even greater is the man that realizes his dreams, as he was able to translate his desires into reality. I already know the ingredients of success. Hard work, perseverance, vision, etc, and I’ve tried hard to cultivate these values within myself. But it’s difficult. But then again, if success was easy, it wouldn’t as sweet. I want to leave a great legacy behind. I want the name Leon Leacroft Robinson to live on long after the man has passed. I’ve been called many names in my 21 years of existence, but there’s one thing I don’t ever people to call me - failure.