Categories: Offbeat News

Old hotness: W.W.J.D. bracelets. New hotness: Jesus Christ…action figures? Yes Fishermen Inc. plans to take advantage of people’s most sacred beliefs, I mean, give a modern interpretation to this most recognizable of figures by releasing their line of “I Am” action figures. Well, they’re actually figurines, but I’m calling them action figures, as figurines are only to keep little old ladies company to fill the void of their children deserting them. Forget miracles, great teachings and founding the world’s largest religion. You know you’ve achieved true greatness when you’ve been turned into an action figure.

The “I Am” figurines feature modern interpretations of our Lord and Saviour. “I Am Freedom” features Jesus wearing jeans on a chopper. You can’t make this stuff up. “I Am Victory” has him doing a bicycle kick in a soccer uniform. “I Am Peace” shows Jesus in military gear, holding a dove in one hand. “I Am Hope” has Jesus dressed as a homeless man carrying a “Will Work 4 Food sign.” “I Am Strength” has him riding a bucking bull with a cowboy hat in his hand. “I Am Faith” features Jesus scrambling with a football. (Couldn’t Jesus just be himself for this one?) “I Am Spirit” has Jesus surfing, shooting a curl. “I Am Youth” is a skateboarding Jesus and finally you have “I Am Life,” showing a rock-climbing Jesus hanging from a cliff. There have been requests for a rock-star Jesus, but I don’t think a “I Am Debauchery” would fit in with the character’s image. Blasphemous or brilliant? You decide. Each comes with a Darwin action figure, with faith-crushing action! Ok you got me. But you gotta admit, it would be cool if they did.