My thoughts…on stuff

I want to apologize to you guys for the erratic manner in which I’ve been posting. Between last Monday and the 14th, I’ve been either studying for or sitting exams, so I probably won’t be posting as much as I regularly do, but I’ll try my best. Speaking of college, I would like to talk about those hotties of higher learning, those angels of academia, college girls. Ever since I was a lad going to Wolmer’s Boys’, I longed for the day I would prance on the lush green grass of a tertiary institution, to bask in the glow of higher education, to flex my mental muscle, to…didn’t fool you for a second huh? Sure, I wanted to get a degree like any ambitious adolescent, but next to that was the thought of the tons of hot girls that would be mine for the taking. Plus the knowledge that their hormones would gush forth after years of inhibition, especially the ones that went to same sex schools, made that prospect all the more sweeter.

My friend and I were talking about our choice of universities back then. At the time, I wanted to go to UWI. My friend laughed and said: “Di girls goin’ hol’ yu down and rape you over dere.” This thought both frightened and excited me, the thought of such raw, unbridled libido. Eventually, I got my wish. Every day I’m awash in a sea of braless bosoms, cute faces, tight jeans, skimpy skirts, exposed asscracks and an abundance of “friendliness.”

But alas, expectations were not the same as the real thing, as things rarely are in life. I am not as happy as happy as I thought. I’m suffering from overload. Every day I’m bombarded by these images. It’s a wonder I don’t have neck pain because every time a cute girl passes me, I have to turn my head. Sure I’d like to deal with a couple of ‘em, but I don’t know where to begin. I feel like a dog in a warehouse full of steaks. And most of them have boyfriends already, and I doubt I have the skill to “bruk a man foot” (take his girl). Plus many of these girls are high maintenance, and I simply can’t tolerate that. It’s funny. We’re living in an age where beauty has never been more abundant, but many women think that for every ounce of beauty they possess, their men should give them a pound of gold.

I’ve got a girl. She’s good to me, always concerned about me and stuff. But these girls are oh so tempting. I once had difficulty understanding why men would cheat on their women, why they would betray their trust - until now. I want to be a good boyfriend. I want to be faithful. But these girls are making it so damn hard! Now I know why they say young relationships are killed by either summer or college.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got married little over a week ago, and boy what a wedding it was. The Dark Lord of Scientology and his brainwashed pawn got married at a castle in Bracciano Italy. The little people of that medieval town were overjoyed that their humble town would play host to the union of these superstars, and would now be known world over, and people would no longer mistake “Bracciano” for some Italian dish. Guests included Will and Jada Pinkett Smith, JLo, John Travolta, Steven Spielberg, Victoria Beckham, Jim Carrey, Brooke Shields, Kelly Preston, J.J Abrams, Andrea Bocelli and others. E.T. was the best man, sporting his hot new Motorola V3 Razr to phone home. Lieutenant Uhura was the matron of honour, and Frodo was the ringbearer. The wedding was done (how else) Scientology style. The wedding ceremonies of the Hollywood faux religion bear a lot of resemblance to traditional weddings, with a whole lotta “WTF?” thrown in of course. Don’t believe me? Here are the wedding vows:

Tom said to Katie: “And do you ken that by the customs of our race you pledge to him, and only him, your kiss and your caress?” Katie responded: “I do.”

The minister then said: “Well, then, know that life is stark and often somewhat grim and tiredness and fret and pain and sickness do beget a state of mind where spring romance is far away and dead and yet for valour and for strength you must abide, create still his health, his purpose and repose. Do you?” Katie: “I do.”

Minister: “And do you take his fortune at its prime and ebb and seek with him best fortune for us all? Do you?” Katie: “I do.”

Minister: “Good, then. I am sure you will, and surer yet that you’ll fare well and staunchly as a wife.”

To Tom he said: “And when she’s older do you then keep her still? Do you?”
Tom: “I do.”

Minister: “Now, Tom, girls need clothes, and food and tender happiness and frills. A pan, a comb, perhaps a cat. All caprice, if you will. But still they need them. Do you then provide? Do you?” Tom: “I do.”

And when it came time to kiss the bride, the crazy little dwarf man climbed three whole phonebooks and a stool to kiss his clueless B-list bride. The kiss lasted for so long it cause guests to yell, “Stop!”. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house. And to conclude the festivities, Tom jumped on the wedding cake.

It’s Thanksgiving time again, or Turkey Day as it’s affectionately called, or as the Native Americans call it, “Paleface steal land of ancestors” Day. Another year of turkey genocide. Did you know that over 45 million turkeys are killed in the U.S. for Thanksgiving? Time to stuff yourselves silly like those carcasses you’ll be gobbling down. I tell you, Thanksgiving must do for Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers what Christmas does for Toys ‘R Us and Wal-Mart. Despite our non-American status, we Jamaicans can appreciate a good spread. And those generous helpings of turkey, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes and gravy make me almost envy Americans right now. Almost.

Though in the shadow of Christmas (which holiday isn’t?), Thanksgiving is still celebrated as a time to give thanks for everything you have, time for uncomfortable family gatherings, and remembering the pilgrims, though in this godless world, I’m surprised they haven’t had some kind of movement to remove the religious element out of Thanksgiving like they did with Christmas. Maybe the religious elements in Thanksgiving aren’t as strong as they are in Christmas. Or maybe people just don’t care. I read a news article where a 3rd grade teacher dressed as a pilgrim walked into class and took the students’ stuff, claiming he “discovered” them. Great way to show how the Indians must’ve felt like.

At the 59th anniversary of the National Thanksgiving Turkey presentation, President Bush granted a pardon to turkeys Flyer and Fryer, who will serve as honorary Grand Marshals for Disneyland’s Annual Thanksgiving Day Parade. Great Bush. America still doesn’t like you. Maybe the vegans will. Perhaps they will if you give the soldiers in Iraq a pardon. What am I thankful for? Aside from the generic stuff (family, friends, health, etc), I’m thankful for you guys, my faithful readers. I can hear the collective “aww”s already. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours, and then go back to being ungrateful tomorrow, complaining that your job doesn’t pay well enough and your spouse doesn’t cater to your needs and so on. So, what are you thankful for?

Last night, during my regular session of reading world news, I found out that Micheal Richards, better known as Kramer on the hit show Seinfeld, went in to a racist rant directed at African-Americans in the audience who were heckling him. You’d think a seasoned professional life Richards would be able to handle a little criticism right? Wrong. He went off, saying “Fifty years ago we’d have you upside down with a f***ing fork up your ass (excellent Thanksgiving reference, Micheal)” and “You can talk, you can talk, you’re brave now motherf**ker. Throw his ass out. He’s a nigger! He’s a nigger! He’s a nigger! A nigger, look, there’s a nigger!” Needless to say, the audience was not amused. The video of the incident can be seen here. Richards quickly apologized to civil rights leaders and the media, saying he was really “busted up”. But the damage was done. His image has changed from a lovable comedian to a hateful bigot.

The Laugh Factory, the place where he had his infamous incident, has banned him from their stage. As for his career, let’s say he’ll be lucky if he has one left, because from the looks of it, not even a sex tape starring himself and Paris Hilton could save him now. Some people are saying that it should be ok for him to call a black person “nigger”. After all, we call them “cracker,” “honky” and other names. To them I say it’s not the same. The word nigger was used to label blacks as inferior to whites, subhuman even. Words like “cracker” and “honky” were probably used as a form of defense by the black man. Use of the word “nigger” by someone who is not black only conjures up images of 300 years worth of suffering and mistreatment. The man has no excuse. Mel Gibson was drunk, but there wasn’t a bottle anywhere near Richards when it happened. “Busted up” isn’t a good enough reason, and whatever you were going through doesn’t excuse it. There have been a lot of has-beens that have been in worse situations than you. You don’t see Mark Hamill spewing racist remarks do you? You could roll out all the excuses you can think of. Blame the Seinfeld curse. Or better yet, blame Bush. That’s the in thing nowadays. Doesn’t matter. That bigotry was in your heart all along. It just took some heckling to trigger all that pent-up hatred.

As for me, I’ll never watch Seinfeld again. True, Seinfeld is second only to Friends in its whiteness, and you may ask what business does a black man have watching it. Still I liked the show. But seeing Kramer will only remind me of this. It just makes you wonder what kind of bigotry lurks in the hearts of the people closest to you. What does your neighbour really feel about you living in the same community as him? How does your smiling assistant really feel about someone of your ethnicity being in a higher position than her? How does you girlfriend’s dad feel about you dating his daughter? I posted this silly picture because his goose his cooked. Rather appropriate for Thanksgiving, don’t you think?

Whoa. Two back to back console release posts. You don’t see that every day. The Nintendo Wii was released on Sunday, but if you blinked, you would’ve missed it, as it went largely unnoticed by the media. I guess when no one gets shot or beaten at your console launch, the media doesn’t really care, as bodily harm seems to sell papers. There was none of the EBay madness either, as people who bought the Wii actually were actually gamers who were interested in playing it, not opportunists trying to make a quick buck. A Mr. Jonathan Mann was the first to purchase the console, dressed in what else, a Mario hat and suspenders. A true fan if there ever was one. So in comparison to the PS3’s, the Wii’s release was modest. But that doesn’t make the console any less impressive.

The Wii is the console I’ve been rooting for, so I’m much more interested in its success than the others. I’ve been a Nintendo fan ever since I killed my first of many relatives of Daffy Duck in Duck Hunt. But my loyalty to the company waned during the rise of the Playstation. Now I want to return to the company that started my lifelong affair with gaming. Bias aside, I still prefer the Wii to the Playstation, because while Sony has focused on making the PS3 a hardware powerhouse, Nintendo has focused on what gamers really care about - the gaming experience. I don’t care about Bluetooth, Blu-ray or HDMI. That isn’t gonna enhance my gaming experience much. Give me a revolution-ary controller and a kickass nunchuk attachment and we’re in business! As for the Xbox 360…well who cares? We’re dealing with the new hotness!

There seem to be no bugs with the system, although there have been some complaints that the motion sensitive controller isn’t as intuitive as Nintendo claims. This remains to be seen. And in retrospect, there was no real need for fanboy violence, because there was no dramatic shortage. The units at launch sold out, but there are scheduled to be 4 million units out for Christmas. So fret not divorced dads. You can still buy your children’s love.

It’s that time of year again. The time when pasty fanboys, like the groundhog on Groundhog Day, rise out of their “holes” (mother’s basements) and assemble in front of retail stores, eagerly awaiting the release of the newest console. Armed with lounge chairs, tents, ice chests and many, many bags of Doritos, these brave warriors of the gaming world would let neither sleet, nor hail, nor dark of night would stop them from getting their hands on the coveted console. I covered the launch of the Xbox 360 last year around this time. It was outrageous, but nowhere on the scale of the PS3’s launch. Things have gotten much harder for geeks. I mean, having politicians trying to cut front of you, being shot, dislocating your jaw after running into a pole and rioting is a heck of a lot to endure for gaming system. Three 6 Mafia needs to change its song, ’cause it’s hard out there for a geek. Just ask Angel Paredes, the first to buy a PS3 in the U.S. He waited four days and endured heavy rains.

And if you think that’s bad, wait till you see what they’re going for on EBay! It’s crazy! The cheapest one I’ve seen was for $2,000. Way to make use of the college tuition Mom. Screw the stock market! Next gen consoles are the hot new investment! With all this prices, I can’t help thinking that Sony is behind these outrageous prices, anonymously selling them on auction sites to make super profit or to make it seem to the general public that if $600 really isn’t all that much. What happened to the days when all it took to be a gamer was a handful of tokens and fast twitch muscles? All this kicks off the rampant commercialism of Christmas. Yay Santa! Swoop down in your sleigh and take my hard earned money like the fat bastard you are. I really don’t see the point of all this. Are the bragging rights to a PS3 really worth thousands of dollars? Are the collective “Wow”s of your fellow fanboys really worth that much? And the worst part is many of these consoles have bugs in them, and there aren’t many games out for it, most of which will be released next year. Despite this rampant retardation, there are still sensible people out there. The folks at SmashMyPS3.com has decided to fight this stupidity, and smash a brand new PS3 with a sledgehammer in front of all the fanboys. To see the look on their faces, click here. Well, on to the Wii.

It’s painful to see a great man fall from grace. To see him lose all the respect, wealth and status that he spent so much of his life attaining.

This is not one of those times.

Mike Tyson, former Wold Heavyweight Champion, convicted rapist and professed cannibal, has agreed to be a prosti…sorry, “male escort” for Heidi Fleiss’. He will be Fleiss’ “big stallion” at her newly legalized brothel for women, aptly named “Heidi’s Stud Farm.” Her brothel is legal? What the…? And when did she get out? Proof that you can get away with murder (or flesh peddling) if you’ve got the cash to back it up. I hate that broad. If I had the chance, I’d plant a metal rod on her she wouldn’t like (no innuendo intended).

Anyway, she told Tyson, “You’re going to be my big stallion.’ It’s every man’s fear that their girlfriend will go for Mike Tyson.” Of course. No man would want his girl violated and chewed up by a raging psycho. Tyson says he doesn’t care what any man thinks, as “it’s every man’s dream to please every woman - and get paid for it.” I don’t have much sympathy for the man. His extravagant spending put him in this position. Now instead of being a media whore, he’s just a plain whore.

Someone give the man a dollar. Maybe one of those A-list celebs could adopt him, or maybe he could star in his own reality show, or something. And isn’t anyone else concerned that he’s a convicted rapist? Ladies, just make sure that you don’t let him nibble your ears, or suck your toes, or let his mouth come in contact with your body in any way. I can tell that this is going to end badly.

On November 16, 2005, I published my first post on this blog. In doing so, I would embark on a journey that would, unbeknownst to me, forever change my life. Now, one year and 211 posts later, here I am. Blogging has now become my favourite and most time consuming hobby. It has given many things: a presence on the internet, new friends (and a few enemies), a few items from abroad (a journal and a postcard), an actual interest in the news, and a sense of accomplishment, as my blog has become more successful faster than I ever thought it would. I have loyal readers, a decent page rank (5), honourable mentions on other blogs, been awarded by some reputable blog reviewers, been asked to write articles, rank in the Technorati Top 50,000, among others.

I have experienced just about all the experiences a typical blogger should have. The trolls, the comment and email spam, the raging discussion about that one controversial post, the porn hits, the blogger block, the link requests, the feeling that no one really cares, etc. All that’s left now is for someone to blatantly rip-off my material. But as I celebrate my success, I realize there is still more work left to be done. My syndication and email subscriptions could use some boosting. And though my email subscription numbers are reasonable (as far as email subscriptions go), my syndication stats are woefully low. They’re in the single digits, and a low single digit at that. And it irritates me when I see dead splogs with double digit subscribers.

I would also like to win a big award like the Bloggies. That would give my blog the ultimate rep. And my dreams are to gain enough readership to use the blog exchanges less (or perhaps even completely!), to rise further in the Technorati ranks and to make some ACTUAL money from Adsense. Ok enough. This is starting to look like a Christmas wishlist, and being as broke as I am, I don’t want a reminder. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know this, I’ll keep posting as long as you keep reading.

To my loyal readers, thank you from the bottom of my heart for sticking with me thus far. I couldn’t have reached this milestone without you. Well, yeah I could have, but it wouldn’t have been as fun. To my supporters, thank you for assisting me in my blogging endeavours. To my NEW fans, sit back and enjoy the ride (and post comments occasionally of course). You know what? I’m feeling generous. So I will give away 200 Blogmad credits, roughly one for every time I’ve posted. I know what you’re thinking. “There’s a catch.” Oh, silly. Of course there is! Refer people to this blog. Tell them to leave a comment here, naming the site where they were referred from. The most referred site wins. It’s that easy.

It’s been almost two weeks since Borat hit theatres, but it’s still making an impact. IMDB ranks at 168th in its list of the 250 best movies of all time. The movie made a remarkable $26 million in it’s opening weekend, even more impressive considering that it only opened in 837 theatres. Borat’s MySpace profile (which is possibly the worst assembled webpage in the history of the Internet) shows him having 329,228 friends! (I bet most of them just befriended him to get hits for their profile or ‘cause it was cool. Posers.) It was official. Borat movie was success. It make lot of money, enough to buy all the prostitutes in Kazakhstan, leave enough for next movie, and maybe enough to buy enough firepower to kill all the Jews back home.

Its offensive content, which insulted Blacks, Whites, Feminists, Christians, Jews, Muslims, and just about anyone with a soul, drew major laughs from moviegoers. But now the “innocent” people who were involved aren’t laughing. Two college boys are suing Cohen and 20th Century Fox, stating that the movie “made plaintiffs the object of ridicule, humiliation, mental anguish and emotional and physical distress, loss of reputation, goodwill and standing in the community.”How? Because they made racist remarks about slavery while drunk, and said minorities have all the power. They claim they were taken advantage of, because they were encouraged to drink and when they became intoxicated, were persuaded to sign consent forms.

Dharma Arthur, a TV reporter, lost her job because she failed to do reasearch before booking Borat on a local news program. She said, “Because of him, my boss lost faith in my abilities and second-guessed everything I did thereafter…. I spiraled into depression, and before I could recover, I was released from my contract early. It took me three months to find another job, and now I’m thousands of dollars in debt and struggling to keep my house out of foreclosure…. How upsetting that a man who leaves so much harm in his path is lauded as a comedic genius”. And many people were duped into participating in the prank, mainly due to their own greed and lack of literacy.

Now these people are crying to the courts, trying to get what Sacha “owes” them. To them I say “Get over it!” You gave up that right when you signed the consent forms. Your desire for instant gratification overtook your good judgment. And now that your humiliation has entertained and made millions, you wanna whine to the authorities. I bet you wouldn’t care less if the movie was a flop. It’s that same greed that led you to this point in the first place. As for those college boys, your “mental anguish” is your fault. You showed who you truly are, and now that you’ve been revealed for the bigots that you are, you want to blame someone else. You will even go as far a blaming the alcohol, even though your friends say you are constantly drunk.

Dharma, just shut up. Even if Borat caused you to lose your job, he didn’t cause you to be thousands of dollars in debt. This is just a sad attempt to get the sympathy of the jury and make it look as if you’ve gone through hell. Whatever happened to personal responsibility? But Borat may have reached the peak of his success, as the other day he was knocked out by a potential victim while trying to pull a prank, a victim who probably recognized him and wasn’t up for it. Proof that since Borat has become a recognizable part of mainstream culture, it will be harder for him find saps for his interviews. One thing’s for sure, this is one foreigner whose visit will not soon be forgotten.

The PlayStation 3 will be released on Friday on this side of the world, and will herald the beginning of another round in the console wars. In Japan, the console has already been released, from Saturday in fact. You’d think the $600 dollar price tag would deter them, but surprisingly not. A great many have been sold. Wanna guess? Ok, ready, go. 88,400. Nowhere near your estimation huh? I know its Japan, the land that tech built, but this is ridiculous! And guess what? Only 100,000 were released. Nearly 90% sold in two days. Impressive Sony. Most impressive. The two top selling gamers were Ridge Racer 7 and Mobile Suit Gundam: Target in Sight. Hmph. If a Gundam game wasn’t up there. Only in Japan.

It’s crazy over there. They are being sold for four times the retail price. Homeless people are being paid to line up for them. Used PS3s are being sold above the price of the new ones. And, needless to say, they’re popping up all over auction sites like EBay. I think Sony is pulling the oldest trick in economics, and decreasing supply to increase demand. I don’t believe their “difficulty with the Blu-ray DVD player” excuse for one minute. Or maybe they are telling the truth, but the way things are now, aren’t be in rush to fix things.

I thought with the amount of displeasure gamers expressed over the price, you’d think they would camp out in front of Sony’s offices in protest. Instead they are camping out of stores, allowing the man to trample over them just to waste their lives in the land the cel-shaded and the pre-rendered a little sooner. You see? This is why Sony is doing this to you! I hope the people at the American release will show some resistance. Oh who am I kidding? There are 30 million Playstation fans in the US, and there’ll be only 400,000 systems released. They’ll be too exhausted to put up much of a fight. Ok Sony, you win. I wonder how much a human soul fetches these days?