My thoughts…on stuff

You know those Domino’s Pizza ads with Fudgems, the brownie mascot? Well if you don’t, here it is. Did anyone notice that he looks like a giant turd? I didn’t realize it at first, but the more I saw it, and the more it was exposed to the corrupting forces of my mind, it hit me, especially when he hugged the woman and her daughter and smeared the both with “fudge.” And they were both giggling like idiots, like being hugged by something that for all we know could be Mr. Hanky’s morbidly obese cousin was an everyday occurence. People seem to have figured it out by the second ad, as dozens of people were chasing Fudgems. Happy customers who wanted more brownies, or an angry mob who found out that the brownies Domino’s was selling them were made in a bathroom and not a bakery? You decide.

I prefer Pizza Hut pizza to Domino’s. Domino’s pizza is short on crust, toppings, sauce, just about everything that makes a pizza a pizza. And they keep coming up with these ridiculous promotions to get people to buy their crappy pizza. But Pizza Hut keeps making good, hearty pizza, and focuses on innovating it, to constantly delight the customer’s palette. But enough pizza politics. Is an antropomorphic brownie really necessary to sell brownies? I mean who hates brownies? Certainly not me. I never met a brownie I didn’t like.

But grossness aside, these ads seem to be effective, as they caused two teens to break into a Domino’s at 5 in the morning to, get this, bake brownies. What kind of self respecting criminal breaks into a store to play Betty Crocker? Well, you broke into Domino’s to get some fudge, and now you’re gonna get your fudge packed in prison. If that’s not poetic justice, I don’t know what is. The guy was found with a marijuana pipe. He was stoned? Really? I hadn’t guessed. Here’s a mugshot of the retards. This latest promotion won’t get me to buy their subpar pizza, especially with a cubical turd pushing it.

P.S. When I logged into BlogMad Tuesday night, guess what I saw?

Thanks to all the BlogMad users who voted for me!

In their latest world domination attempt, Microsoft is attempting to conquer the digital media market. They’ve already got a YouTube clone in the works called Soapbox. Don’t be excited though. It’s still in beta, and it’s invitation only. (Yeah. Good luck with that.) Now they’re trying to topple Apple’s mini media giant, by releasing their own portable media player called the Zune. It will cost about US$230, have its own version of iTunes called Zune Marketplace, a 30GB hard drive and WiFi capability. It should be released in time for Christmas. The Zune looks a lot like the iPod, with only minor variations. Same scrollwheel, same buttons, same screen - but bigger. Wow Microsoft! That will surely give you the edge!

I don’t think the Zune will defeat the iPod. Microsoft has always been able to push its products using its edge in desktops. But Microsoft’s got nothing they can use to gain a stronghold in portable media. Many have tried, boasting about being the next “iPod killer”, but all have failed. Remember the Zen? Or perhaps the Sansa? Of course you don’t. Plus Apple just has that “cool factor.” Just be content with your iron-fisted rule over the desktop world Microsoft, because Apple’s grip won’t be loosening anytime soon. So not to worry Mr. Jobs. You and the rest of Apple can stick it in Microsoft’s face when those Zunes gather dust in warehouses. I know I would.

Rising Stars, Jamaica’s very own American Idol, is probably the most watched local program next to the news. And talk of it is growing as the finals approach. The three finalists are One Third, Suzanne Perkins and Nickeisha Barnes. But one other thing they are talking about is the elimination of Brushy One String. When it happened, many were surprised, as he was one of the favourites to win. He was one of my favourites as well. Suzanne Perkins was the one expected to be sent home, so it was quite an upset.

Brushy was my favourite because he was an original. Unlike the others who belted out pop song after pop song, Brushy sung his own songs, armed with only his infamous one string guitar. His songs were energetic, and would make even the most hardened critic (Anthony Miller, this means you) rock to the beat. His style of dress was also unique. Cowboy style most of the time. His songs weren’t meant to be taken too seriously and were sung in story form like Country Western songs.

But these weren’t enough to stop him from ending up on the chopping block. What happened? My guess is that he couldn’t connect with his generation, since his songs were mainly ’70s songs and today’s generation is more pop oriented. Or maybe people saw him as a novelty act, performing only for tourists, and not as a serious artiste. All is not lost though. Rising Stars gave Brushy somewhat of a break. And he deserves it, because my dad says Brushy’s been performing since the ’70s. Plus producers have been hunting him down, so he may have a future yet.

Late yesterday morning, while doing chores, my mother alerted my attention to the main road out back. I looked, and saw several automobiles with orange flags sticking out of them. “Conference,” I thought. I spent nearly half hour staring at the seemingly neverending stream of cars and buses heading towards the conference. Then I got tired of seeing them and went back to my chores. The PNP’s 68th annual conference was the largest in 30 years, no doubt thanks to the popularity of the party’s new leader. It was the first conference for her as leader of the party.

Former Prime Minister P.J. Patterson showed up to give his support to his successor. The conference was obviously meant as a public show of party unity, and to gear up for the coming general elections. I saw the conference on TV. I’m not affliated with any political party. It’s too much of a messy business out here. Plus if I was part of the PNP, I’ve got better things to do with my time than stuff myself in a crowd of marginalized masses. Ever realise that the poor are always the ones that go the extra mile to show their support for their parties, even travelling half way across the island, yet get little or nothing from their elected officials?

It was the usual conference. Politicians making empty promises in the language of the common man, trying to seem as if they can relate to them, the crowd gobbling up every single one, party colours everywhere and dancehall music blaring in an attempt to please the masses. Yet one thing caught my ear though. Portia spoke of a $635 million dollar project to employ 12,000 of the nation’s poor. A cleanup and beautification programme for Cricket World Cup 2007. Portia, that project was scheduled to be done with or without your declaration of an attack on poverty. Plus, it’s temporary work. The CWC is supposed to kick off in March, so that’s about six months work. What happens after? Seriously, who are you fooling? Apparently those cheering crowds.

Some are born stupid, some achieve stupidity, and others have stupidity thrust upon them. I don’t know which one applies to Johnny Knoxville and the other man whores of Jackass, but it definately applies. Jackass Number Two opened in theatres yesterday, to the disdain of movie critics and to the delight of sadistic moviegoers everywhere. In fact, the movie actually made dead critics roll in their graves. Really, it did. When I first saw Jackass the Movie, I was horrified beyond belief, and I’ve seen some pretty horrible things, trust me. I was also outraged that this could pass as a movie. My finger was on the remote, but I just couldn’t press. It was so monumentally bad that I couldn’t look away. It was like watching someone climb the Mount Everest of stupidity.

“How can they possibly top the antics of Jackass One?”, you may ask. Well I hear they’re going to pleasure a horse and drink its “juice.” Yeah, I can feel the bile in the back of my throat too. These guys make Fear Factor look like it’s not even trying. And I know that despite the disclaimer, there will be a lot of injuries this weekend caused by white suburbanite kids trying to mimic their stunts. Oh to be young and drunk on delusions of invincibility. Despite what those pretentious middle-aged snobs and their opposable appendages have to say, this movie will be a hit, because lets face it, people like to see other people do stupid things. How do you think George Bush gets so much airtime?

The other day, the Pope quoted the words of a 14-century Byzantine emperor, and Muslims were outraged. Why? Well, the emperor that the Pope quoted said, “Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached.” Their anger is understandable, but the Pope’s words weren’t his own. But Muslims seem to think that he shares his sentiments, despite the Pope’s numerous apologies. In fact, I’m tired of reading news articles about him apologizing. What does he have to do? Kiss the feet of every Muslim on Earth?

Muslims have acted in extreme violence, killing an Italian nun and her bodyguard, throwing Molotov cocktails at churches, burning Pope effigies, chanting “Death to the Pope” and demanding his resignation. Even Al-Qaeda has threatened the Pope. I understand that Muslims should feel offended, but remember that these were the words of a long deceased ruler, and that the Pope did not share his views. Still, the Pope should have known better than to use such a potentially controversial quote. And all of this violence is not doing Muslims any favours. Muslims have been stereotyped as terrorists since 9/11, and these violent acts don’t give a good impression of “the religion of peace.”

This is my entry in the Problogger “How To…” Group Writing Project.

Are you one of those people who can pull a spectacular post out of thin air, capturing the attention and response of readers? One of those people who has never suffered blogger’s block? Well lucky you. For the rest of us, creating a post can make blogging quite a chore, which it was never intended to be. So here are some tips to make posting a little bit easier.

1. Brainstorm: A great post just won’t come to you. It takes a bit of thought, so come up with random ideas. Don’t worry if some of them aren’t very good. You’lll be able to fine tune them later.

2. Filter ideas: Separate the good from the bad. Make sure that you can write something on the topic. It doesn’t have to be much, just something readable.

3. Save remaining ideas: There are times that you will have blogger’s block. It happens to all of us. Save the remaining ideas, even the not-so-good ones. Chances are in time you’ll be able to develop them into a good post, backup for the times when you just can’t find the words to say.

4. Develop the idea: Fine tune it. Bounce it around in your head. Try to envision what the resulting post would be like.

5. Make jottings: Jot down whatever comes into your head relating to the idea. Doesn’t matter if they don’t mesh.

6. Blend the ideas: Organize your jottings into paragraphs.

7. Write the draft: Create a “sketch” of the desired post. It also helps to use the paragraphs you have written to gain further points for your post.

8. Reinforce: Use facts or figures to enhance the legitimacy of your post.

9. Edit: Check for punctuation, sentence structure, spelling, grammar, whatever.
Then finally…

10. Publish

I hope this helps you write some amazing posts.

Celebrity marriage. Not the most stable of institutions. Many of them dissolve before the ink dries on the marriage certificate. But many of them stand the test of time (as far as Hollywood goes), and have become household names. Tom and Nicole, Bruce and Demi, Whitney and Bobby. Well, the latter is more infamous than famous. But they will join the former two as couples that were, because after 14 years of marriage, Whitney has finally called it quits. She has filed for divorce from her longtime hubby Bobby Brown. That’s right guys! Whitney’s back on the market! Any takers? Anyone? C’mon! Hey there Osama! I see that AK-47!

I think it’s about time she left the guy, though the damage has aleady been done. He was more trouble than he was worth. Still there is something to be said about having a lover and a personal drug dealer rolled into one. At least we won’t have anymore of “I’ve had to dig a doodie bubble out of your butt.” I wonder if she heard about Osama’s crush on her and left Bobby for him. I guess there’s something about militant men, or is that military men? Plus I hear there’s tons of opium over there. I expect a lengthy custody battle over all that crack. Oh, and the kids. I guess they’re of some value too, but the last time I checked a kid couldn’t get you 20 bucks a gram.

Paris Hilton broke her one year vow of celibacy the other day, to the surprise of absolutely no one. (If only she made a vow of media celibacy.) When I heard the news, I was extremely pessimistic. In fact, I fought to hold back the laughter. Paris Hilton, whose crotch has seen more action than a WWII vet on the front line, remain sex free for 365 1/4 days? Her reason? “Just because I want to. I feel I’m becoming stronger as a person. Every time I have a boyfriend, I’m just so romantic, and I put all my energy into the guy, and I don’t really pay attention to myself.” Well, she didn’t, and her sacred vow lasted a full 21 days. Way to inspire those little misguided little girls that look up to you Ms. Hilton.

Paris, do the math, which I doubt you can, because you said you had sex with only two men in your lifetime. Three weeks is a far cry from one year. And when she broke it, she couldn’t help but ho it up, groping, grinding and finally getting it on in their limo with Blink 182’s Travis Barker, giving onlookers a grand show. I can’t blame her for breaking her vow prematurely. If she kept it, the media would forget about her, and being a ho is her only claim to fame. That and being filthy rich of course. Besides, she needed another STD to add to her collection.