My thoughts…on stuff

You know her. You love her. You’ve spent countless hours of your youth undressing her, stroking her hair and engaging in role play, sometimes inviting a friend or two to join the fun. Oh, get your minds out of the gutter people! I’m talkin’ ‘bout Barbie! Barbie, the doll that girls love and defined the standards that guys set, is undoubtedly the world’s most popular doll, raking in $30 billion in merchandise and entertainment yearly. Here’s an interesting fact: two Barbie dolls are sold every second somewhere around the world! Not bad for a nearly 50 year old doll.

But not all is well with good ol’ Babs. Newer, more edgier dolls such as the Bratz are challenging her dominion of the world’s dollhouses. And they’re succeeding. Sales of Barbie are slumping, despite her and her boyfriend’s numerous makeovers. The situation is so bad that people have suggested that Mattel kill off Barbie. I can see it now. Ken comes home drunk, and immediately accuses Barbie of cheating on him with that G.I Joe next door. Barbie denies it. Ken, convinced she’s lying, attacks her in a drunken rage. Barbie tries to escape, but Ken has her cornered, and, armed with a baseball bat, bludgeons her to death.

People say killing her off will increase her demand, making her more of a collector’s item. I disagree with this suggestion, and I applaud Mattel for standing by Barbie. It’s not all about the money, it’s about the fun. Sure this generation may be different, but when that little girl locks herself in her room to escape the sound of her dysfunctional parents yelling at each other, her doll becomes more than just plastic. It becomes a friend, and her dollhouse and all its accessories become a world, a world where she can make things the way she wants them to be. And it’s not only girls. Guys play with Barbie too. Admit it. Remember that day when no one was looking, when you combed Barbie’s hair? How relaxing it felt, and how you were disgusted at yourself for enjoying it? And if Barbie becomes a collector’s item, she’ll lose her magic, and spend the rest of her days on the shelves of nostalgic fanboys. May you live long and prosper Barbie.

MySpace, a haven for sex offenders, publicity seekers and naïve teenage girls. The site gets more press than celebrity drug addicts. Some of the more recent stories are the ones about the 14 year old teenager who’s suing MySpace for 30 million after being sexually assaulted by a man she met on the site, blaming the site for inadequate security measures (use common sense you money grubbing bimbo! Stop blaming MySpace for your stupidity!), and the school teacher who got fired after posting nude pics on her profile (they’ve been taken down guys. You’ll have to get your porn fix somewhere else). After all these outrageous stories, you’d think MySpace couldn’t shock you anymore. Think again. Katherine Lester, a 17 year old teen flew to the Middle East to meet 20 year old Abdullah Jimzawi, who she met on MySpace.

And that’s not the worst part. She intends to MARRY him! And she hasn’t even met him in person yet! They both profess intense love for each other, saying they can’t live without each other. Luckily she was intercepted by U.S authorities in Jordan. I still can’t believe this. Girls her age are thinking about gaining popularity, pep rallies, dating their long time crushes and all that crap, not tying the knot! She knows next to nothing about the man, except the persona he has created on the Internet, and the Internet allows a great deal of anonymity. The guy could be just another sex offender. God knows MySpace is chockfull of ‘em.

And I should know about blind dates. I once met a girl in a Digicel chat room. She had a velvety voice and a sweet personality. But when I met her…let’s just say words can’t express how disappointed I was. I just went through the motions and hoped she didn’t want to take the relationship too far. After all, she was a sweet girl, and I didn’t want to break her heart. And who says it’ll be smooth sailing once they get married? Life has a way of smacking those rose-coloured glasses off your face, as many divorced couples can attest. They already have a religious conflict, as she’s a Christian and he’s Muslim. All I can say is, this is going to end badly.

Most bloggers are geeks, so most would be acquainted with G4, or its previous incarnations, ZD TV and Tech TV. Most of my tech knowledge I owe to those networks. I still miss the old screen Savers crew. Leo Laporte, Patrick Norton, Megan Morrone, Cat Schwartz and the others. But eventually G4 took over Tech TV, destroying the only pure technology channel on the airwaves and replaced it with 100% videogame related programming. I didn’t welcome the change at first, but I eventually learned to accept it, since I was also a fan of videogames. Up till now it’s been great. But recently I’ve realized that G4 has revamped many of their programs, most of them watered down to fit mainstream culture. Seems like G4’s audience of gamers is too limited, and they want to attract a wider audience.

And most of these revamped programs are hosted by or feature hot chicks whose only purpose is to serve as eye candy. They’re not geeks. They’re not one of us! Adam, Morgan and Kevin are just about the only people left from the old school. I should’ve seen this coming, ever since The Man Show, Street Fury and all those other irrelevant shows began to show up. I believe this move by G4 is a bad idea. We geeks may be few in number, but we’re very passionate. Just look at any Mac user or Star Wars fan. And by lowering its programming standards, it runs the risk of alienating its core audience. G4 had better sort out its identity crisis soon, or it may have one less viewer.

Looks like Rockstar Games is in hot water again, concerning, what else, the ultra violent GTA series. The latest installment in the franchise, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, is in for more than the usual gameplay that allows gamers to get in touch with their inner Tony Montana. Turns out there’s a “Hot Coffee” mod in the game, a sex mini game in which you mash buttons to pleasure your digital conquest, the closest those pasty, socially inept fanboys will ever get to pleasing a woman.

It’s no surprise that anti-violent video game lobbyists have jumped down Rockstar’s throat on this. Jack Thompson, the video game devil, has already predicted the demise of Rockstar, saying they won’t be around in three years. Hilary Clinton, apparently still desperate to champion a cause that will land her in the White House, is asking the U.S government to join the war on video games, and has presented a law that would charge US$5000 for selling mature games to minors. Australia’s Office of Film and Literature Classification is also investigating the mod.

Personally, I don’t see what all the fuss is about. Firstly, it takes a great deal of effort to hack into the game, far too much for the average snot-nosed brat. Secondly, the characters are partially clothed and no genitalia is exposed. And thirdly, parents should educate themselves on the ESRB’s rating system. Don’t just buy the game because your kid wants it and then express shock and disbelief when your baby boy mows over pedestrians with his stolen Caddy to the tune of maniacal laughter. What do you think the M on the box means? Mild? Rockstar, apparently in an effort to bring some respectability to its name, has released Rockstar Table Tennis. It’s a good game, but it won’t do much to change Rockstar’s image.

In today’s world of gender equality, you can hardly find a job that a woman hasn’t infiltrated. Previously male dominated jobs such as construction worker, doctor, CEO and others are now being performed with a feminine touch. But there’s one job that women haven’t quite ventured into – crime. And I’m not talking about being a drug mule to support the five children your deadbeat boyfriend left you with or killing your sugar daddy after he puts your name in the will. I’m talking about hardcore gangster stuff.

Well one Jamaican woman has done just that, and blazed a trail for female mobsters everywhere. Sasha Payne (what an appropriate name) is being hailed as the next don for the troubled Havana community in Arnett Gardens. She is so notorious that the police have put her on their Most Wanted List. She has earned the moniker “Gun Gal”, and is suspected to be involved in six shooting incidents. She is feared by members in the community, and some say she’s more dangerous than any man. Apparently it’s true what they say, anything men can do, women can do it better.

And guess what? She’s only 18! I guess it’s never too late to start working towards your future career. She’s also the mother of a six-month old baby. Must be tough juggling motherhood and career. I guess we’ll have to start fearing “the gentler sex” now. Guess equality isn’t all its cracked up to be now is it? A word of advice to her underlings, STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM HER DURING HER TIME OF THE MONTH!

Bill Gates recently announced that he will resign from Microsoft. The 50-billion dollar man said that he would discontinue his day-to-day activities at the company in order to focus on his charity. News of this shocked the world. Why would anyone in their right mind give up the seat of power at the world’s largest company, especially since most people view him as a sort of real life Lex Luthor, bent on taking over the world.

Well FYI people. Bill Gates HAS taken over the world, in the technological sense anyway. Imagine if every PC in the world suddenly shut down. The world would be plunged in chaos. So if Mr. Gates wanted to go all diabolical and destroy the world, all he needed to do is plant a major bug in a new release of Windows (but the way Windows crashes, you have to wonder if that was his intent all along). Now that’s power. Plus he owns the world’s largest corporation, and as No. 2 of Austin Powers fame said, “there’s no world anymore, only corporations.”

But despite his lofty position, he doesn’t seem to have a megalomaniacal bone in his body. He is one of the world’s most philanthropic businessmen, pledging to donate most of his wealth to charity, leaving only a small fraction for his children. He has confessed that he didn’t want to become the richest man in the world, remains surprisingly humble despite his achievements and always wears a smile on his face. This goes against my cynical nature, but I truly believe that he’s a nice guy, and I fully support his decision to get off the corporate bandwagon to care for those less fortunate. He’s already conquered the world, and it wouldn’t make much sense to destroy the world, because it’s already a mess. So why not save the world?

It’s official. The Soca Warriors’ road to the World Cup met a dead end when they lost 2-0 to Paraguay yesterday. Although they didn’t score a single goal in any of their matches, they brought back respectability to Caribbean football with their stellar performances, respectability which was first gained when the Reggae Boyz first qualified for the World Cup in 1998.

When they first qualified, I never expected them to last even 30 minutes in a World cup match. I now realize that I was a little jealous because the Reggae Boyz didn’t qualify, and if my team didn’t qualify, then no other Caribbean team should. But now I’ve changed my tune. They played excellently against England, holding off their attacks until the last five minutes of the match. Not bad for a bunch of first timers. Their performance against Paraguay wasn’t as impressive, but they still played well. They held their own against teams that would have crushed the Reggae Boyz, and as much as it pains me to say it, the Soca Warriors have outclassed the Reggae Boyz.

No doubt overseas clubs will be eyeing some of their players, given their performance. I hope they don’t sell out like most of the Reggae Boyz did. I also hope that the performance of the Soca Warriors will humble those arrogant Reggae Boyz and help them to pull up their socks. If all goes well, who knows? Maybe both teams can qualify for the next World Cup. Until then, congrats Soca Warriors. You made the Caribbean proud.

I’ve been eagerly awaiting the release of the Transformers movie ever since I heard it was in the works. So when I heard through the geek pipeline that the movie’s website had been launched, I was thrilled. I grew up with Transformers, Power Rangers and Sesame Street, so me and the franchise go way back. The site doesn’t feature much, just a countdown timer to the release of the trailer. You may view it here.

Hopefully it will be based on the old school Transformers, not the kid-friendly treasure hunt that’s going on now. For those who don’t understand the appeal of Transformers (a.k.a females, ’cause I never knew a guy who met a Transformer he didn’t like), imagine this: Giant robots + non-stop violence. What’s not to like?

Father’s Day has passed. The power tools have been broken in, those ugly ties have been banished to the back of the closet, never to be worn, and those gadgets are still being fooled around with. I didn’t get my dad anything. Not that he’s a bad father. It’s just that I haven’t had any time to go shopping for gifts, being busy with work and all. It’s the special day when dads get their props, because it’s a fact that society places more value on mothers than fathers. Don’t believe me? then why is it so much easier to remember Mother’s day than Father’s Day? Why aren’t there even half as much ads for Father’s Day gifts as there are for Mother’s Day gifts?

Not surprising, as there are many deadbeat dads out there. In Jamaica, 45% of fathers don’t have their name on their child’s birth certifcate! That’s an alarming statistic. That’s why those who have a father should be thankful. I sure am thankful for mine. Sure he may not be perfect, but at least he’s there. Shoutouts to all the men who are man enough to take on the responsibilty of fatherhood.

American media is still parading news of the bombing of Abu Al-Zarqawi. So in the spirit of dropping bombs, I’ve decided to drop one myself, about the U.S weapons that never made it past the drawing board. Sure you’ve about the impressive weapons the Yanks have in their arsenal. The Apache Helicopter, the Nimitz class aircraft carriers and their nuclear…sorry, nuc-u-lur weapons, just to name a few. But do you know about the “gay bomb”?

No, it’s not an effeminate, fashion-conscious bomb that whistles show tunes as it plummets to the ground. Actually, it was a bomb that was supposed to contain an aphrodisiac that would provoke homosexual behaviour among enemy troops. The “Brokeback Bomb” as I like to call it, would be non-lethal, but would completely obliterate the morale of enemy soldiers. A chemical was in the works that would attract angry wasps and rats. A chemical “Kick Me” sign if you will. There was one that would make skin extremely sensitive to sunlight (Great, give the enemy a reason to hide). There was also an idea to create a chemical that would cause long-lasting bad breath, so enemy soldiers would be easier to detect if they tried to blend in with civilians.

And get this, they were thinking of making a bomb that would simulate flatulence in enemy ranks. Hello? That’s called a fart bomb. You can pick one up at your local toy store! These plans were made in 1994, and if pursed, they would have cost $7.5 million. But why weren’t they pursued? Was it the wanton misuse of taxpayer’s money? No, that never stopped them before. I guess at the end of the day, it’s just easier to blow your enemies to kingdom come. I mean liberate them. Isn’t that right Bush?