My thoughts…on stuff

You can’t make this stuff up. A rooster’s life was spared after it was thought to have crowed “Allah.” This happened in Kyrgyzstan (I never heard of it either). According to its owner, it crowed the magic words just before being turned into dinner. Imagine that. A chicken’s life is spared because it says “Allah”, yet a human’s life was being threatened because he converted to another religion. I know you’re expecting some sort of “cock” joke, but I would never stoop to such juvenile and lowbrow humour. This is a mature blog. Fearing violent protests and the boycotting of Jamaican goods, I didn’t post the image of the chicken. So I chose to post the image of a generic one instead. Unlike Pat Robertson, I don’t claim to be an expert on God, but if Allah wanted to manifest himself, couldn’t he choose something more awe-inspiring than a chicken? Just saying.

Think this is crazy? Ever hear the one about the Virgin Mary toast or the Jesus shell? Or how about the Allah fish? But considering that fact that Jesus’ and the Virgin Mary’s images are constantly seen in burritos, French toast, oil spills, clouds, etc, this isn’t all that strange. Humanity is in a sorry state if we regard poultry and food products as sacred symbols. No wonder people don’t take religion seriously nowadays. Well, at least this cock that will make people go down on their knees for the right reasons. Darn, so close too! So beware next time you eat a bucket of hot wings. You may eating damnation unto yourself by devouring those meaty martyrs.

The time has come at last. Today PJ Patterson, president of the PNP and prime minister of Jamaica for 14 years, will step down, and Portia Simpson-Miller, Jamaica’s first female prime minister, will take his place. The prime ministerial baton will be passed to her at a ceremony at Kings House at 5 p.m. The live broadcast will be on the JIS website. Many regional leaders and dignitaries will be there. For those of you who are late to the party, Portia beat fellow contenders Peter Phillips, Omar Davies and Karl Blythe in the PNP presidential race.

My father and I were watching the news last night, witnessing the plight of ordinary Jamaicans, and a cynical smirk (much like my own) appeared on his face. He then said, “All of this will be on Portia’s head. She won’t have her fine hair for much longer.” “Why is that?” I asked. “Because these problems will gray her hair”, he said. “I remember when PJ first came into power. He had a full head of black hair. Now he doesn’t have a single strand of black hair.” He then paused. “Portia’s being sworn in tomorrow”. “Yeah”, I said. “I wonder if PJ will cry like Sir Florizel did?” We both laughed at the thought. Then my father’s countenance became grim. “She thinks it’s a bed of roses. But it’s not. I wonder how she will do.” I wondered too.

Part of me wants to believe that Portia will truly make a difference, that she will be a Messiah of sorts and save Jamaica from all of its woes. But another part is reluctant to believe that, because though Portia has charisma and a strong will, it will take more than that to tackle the problems Jamaica is facing. Plus, given the impending resignation of some cabinet members, such as K.D Knight, will make it even harder. I’ll just sit back and watch, as this should be an interesting show.

It’s true what they say, art just isn’t what it used to be. A nude statue of Britney Spears giving birth to Sean Preston was made by Daniel Edwards. Yes, there she is in all her glory, on all fours and buck-naked on a bearskin rug. It is called “Monument to Pro-life: The Birth of Sean Preston”. The Pro-lifers are hailing the statue as a monument to pro-life, and hailing Spears for putting family before career, unlike many celebrities. I know, the Pro-lifers are really desperate for an idol. I didn’t know the cause was going so badly. While making the statue, emphasis was placed on her “lactiferous breasts”, “protruding navel”, “water retentive hands” and “widened hips for birthing”. But the thing is, Spears had a C-section! Plus she didn’t even pose for the statue.

When I first saw it, I said “What the…? Spears is doing porn now? Federline finally cleaned her out.” When recovered from the shock of it all, I realized that it was a statue. I kinda feel like a perv when I look at that picture. You know how awkward it is be staring at such a photo on a public computer, with people passing and staring at the screen? The question I hear everyone asking is “Why don’t they show the back end?” Because they know y’all are perverts, and you’ll corrupt the artistic integrity of the statue by making it a part of your sick, twisted fantasies. Enjoy it while you can guys, ‘cause that’s the closest you’ll get to seeing Britney naked.

Well it’s that time of year again, time for the VMBS/ISSA Boys & Girls Athletic Championships, aka “Champs.” It begins in only 2 days, and already we’re beginning to see the signs: schoolers proudly waving their school flags, graffiti on buses and popular teen hangouts, random displays of school spirit, etc. For those who don’t know what Champs is (and by that I mean most of you), it is the biggest event on the Jamaican high school calendar. Think high school March Madness plus track and field and other Olympic-type events and minus the basketball.

But in the midst of all this excitement and anticipation, a war is being waged between rival boys’ schools in the Corporate Area. Calabar, Jamaica College, Kingston College and Wolmer’s Boys’ are the rival factions. Wolmerians (being the gentlemen that we are) have not participated in the war, but we may be drawn into it since we’re a force to be reckoned with. The war has already claimed a few causalities. On Wednesday, a brawl broke out between students of Calabar and KC, resulting a member of each school being stabbed. The KC student was sent to hospital and a 17-year-old Calabar student was charged in connection with the incident. You might be wondering “Why would they do such a thing?” Well, for one, Jamaicans are a very passionate people. When we believe in something, we believe it strongly! We’re not “flip-floppers”. And we don’t just wear our school colours, we bleed our school colours. Our school’s honour is very important to us, and we will defend it to the death. I’m not excusing the actions of the students, just trying to make you understand the situation here.

We even have “territories,” places where rival schools are not welcome, at least not in frequency or numbers. Cross Roads is “owned” by KC and Wolmer’s. We share an uneasy truce since our schools are close to each other. Half-Way-Tree is “owned” by JC and Calabar. There are even “hunting grounds,” girls’ schools or co-ed schools that we get our females from. A school’s “hunting ground” is usually within close range of it. Usually these rules are pretty lax, but get more strict as Champs rolls around, as members of each school sense the opportunity to reign supreme over their rivals. I like this friendly competition. It makes interscholastic events more exciting. But when it becomes unfriendly competition, that’s where the line must be drawn.

Oh my God! They killed Chef! Those bastards! On Wednesday, the beloved South Park character met his end in traditional South Park fashion, and by that I mean totally bizarre. He was struck by lightning, impaled on a branch, mauled by a mountain lion, had his legs ripped off and eaten by a bear and his face bitten off. Ouch! The episode, called “The Return of Chef”, drew in a whopping 3.5 million viewers.

In the episode, Chef returns to South Park after joining The Super Adventure Club, a parody of Scientology. He then offers to “make sweet, sweet love” to the kids. He is taken to a strip club for deprogramming, but is kidnapped and brainwashed once more by the Adventure Club members. He meets his end while fleeing from the Adventure Club members. At his funeral, Stan said “A lot of us don’t agree with the choices the Chef has made in the last few days. Some of us feel hurt and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us. But we can’t let the events of the past few weeks take away the memories of how Chef made us smile. We shouldn’t be mad at Chef for leaving us, we should be mad at that fruity little club for scrambling his brains.” For those who missed it, here it is.



This is another round in the war between South Park and Scientology. It began when an episode was aired called “Trapped in the Closet”, in which Stan was thought to be the reincarnation of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard and Tom Cruise locked himself in the closet while others begged him to come out. This outraged Tom Cruise and Issac Hayes, both Scientology followers. Issac, the voice of Chef, quit because he thought Trey Parker and Matt Stone crossed the line, even though he helped them cross it on just about everything else. Cruise threatened to halt his promotion of MI3 if Comedy Central aired the episode again. Then magically, POOF, the episode disappears! Wonder why?

I’m glad Chef met such an end. I’m not happy that he died though. If I had my way, I’d let Chef last as long as the show itself. But I don’t. So if he had to die, I’m glad he died in style. I’m not glad he was turned into a paedophile either, but in the war between South Park and Scientology, something has to give. In doing this, Trey and Matt have responded to Scientology’s attack as only they can. They have also demonstrated their power, because they made Chef, and they can destroy him. But don’t worry South Park fans, CHEF SHALL RETURN!

The Debra Lafave case has brought a whole new meaning to the term “teacher-student relations.” The 25 year old teacher of Florida was charged for engaging in a series of sexual acts with a 14 year old student, but charged were dropped on Tuesday when the “victim” didn’t testify. The reason? Possible psychological trauma. Yeah right! The guy’s probably getting high fives from all the guys in his school right now! Psychological trauma, my foot! He has achieved what very few young men achieve: the dream of shagging your hot teacher.

Every guy has had at least one. You always paid attention in her class, and either tried to get high grades just to impress her or got low grades just to get individual attention. When she turned to write on the board, you discreetly scanned every inch of her body. Her long, flowing hair, her Barbie-like waist, her round, tight buttocks (and I know you played “Guess the underwear” while you did that, you perv) and her long, smooth legs. When she turned around you did the same, but this time you tried to make it seem as if you were paying attention to the subject. Her smile brightened your day, and her touch sent shivers down your spine. And you wished with all you heart that one day she would call you into her office for seemingly scholastic reasons, then declare her burning passion for you. You would reveal you feelings as well, and she, armed with her sexual experience, would make a man out of you. Girls have had them too, but I can only speak for this half of the species.

Lafave didn’t get off scot-free though. She lost her teaching license and got 3 years house arrest plus 7 years probation, but that’s a slap on the wrist compared to what a guy would get. He would be locked up in prison right now, worrying about dropping the soap. The double standard in the U.S justice system is disturbing. But then again, look at her. Any judge, no matter how cold would have a hard time convicting her. She probably flashed him a couple sexy smiles and winks during the trial. Undeniable proof that yes, beautiful people do have life easier. Me, I want to find that kid and ask him for some pointers. I’m having trouble with my own age group, but this kid transcended his and managed to get his super hot teacher in the sack. Lucky bastard. Lafave, if you’re by some miracle reading this blog, I’m a student. A college student, but a student nonetheless. Does that count for anything?

The 18th Commonwealth Games has begun. Actually, it began from the 15th of March, but I only caught wind of it in this Sunday in the Gleaner. I wonder why the media isn’t covering the event more. Maybe it’s because the Commonwealth Games is the not as pretty or popular younger sister of the Olympics. Or is it because the mighty U.S is not involved, since the Commonwealth games only include former territories of Britain? (But wait, America is a former territory of Britain!) It’s more than likely the latter. According to the medal table, Jamaica is 7th (ranked by Gold). Impressive, considering there are 71 countries participating. And I know that the fastest man in the world, Jamaica’s own Asafa “Afasa” Powell has something to do with it. I try my best to keep up with the games, but it’s hard, for as I said, the media doesn’t cover it much. Imagine, the games didn’t make it to cnn.com, but a guy that died after being stuck in mud (which is a sad and pathetic way to die) did. Anyhoo, Go Team Ja! Oh, one more thing. Shout outs to those in Australia. Hope your recovery from Larry is a smooth one.

Mornin’ folks, or whatever time of day it is in your part of the world. I trust you have all gotten over your St. Patrick’s Day hangovers by now. Anyway, it turns out that a female student from Immaculate High School for Girls was videotaped giving performing oral sex on a student from the Wolmer’s High School for Boys (my Alma Mater), both prestigious high schools (it is my Alma Mater after all). So prestigious in fact that the papers refuse to reveal the names of the schools. I heard the news as far back as Tuesday on Taylor’s Tribulations. I was shocked when I heard the news. That’s something I would expect from a Yankee girl! Surely a Jamaican girl would have more sense than that! Still, I didn’t consider it postworthy. Until it made the front page of Friday’s Star that is. NOW it is postworthy!

The act was done at the Gibson Relays (the girl was probably a track groupie. You jocks know what I’m taking about) and with her consent. Yes folks, WITH her consent. Failing to learn from Paris Hilton’s mistake, she allowed herself to be videotaped on the guy’s Razr. And the S.O.B betrayed her confidence by sending it to his friend’s phone via Bluetooth. But an error was made and it was sent to a number of persons in close proximity. It has even spread to the Internet. I bet if you’ll find something if you type in “Bluetooth Express” (the unfortunate nickname the girl has earned) in Kazaa or Warez.

The girl’s mother was furious. So furious in fact that she spit on her and gave her a hell of an ass kicking. I hear her brother put on a couple hits too. The girl, like Paris Hilton, had a good deal of money, enough to leave the country. So she did. You might be wondering “Why such an extreme reaction? Everybody does it!” No, they don’t. Oral sex is taboo in Jamaica, and even if they do it, they dare not talk about it. It never fails to amaze me how teenagers ruin their lives for some of the stupidest things. Well, if she doesn’t make it in her new school, she can always go for a career in porn. She’s certainly got the experience, and she knows how to perform in front of a camera.

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Because those gay cowboy jokes just weren’t enough.